As a single mother, my love life is non-existent. Partially because I want it that way. Right now, I don't see hanging out with a 14-month-old is something most guys are game for.
I came close to dating a couple of times. Met a guy at the airport who asked me out while I was with my daughter, so that broke the news to him immediately and he knew what he was in for. He is moving to Texas in days, before we were ever even able to arrange a date. I've kind of just given up on the idea of dating. I can't afford to pay a babysitter all the time and I hate having my daughter sit at daycare all week and sometimes Saturdays, so I can't fathom adding another evening to it.
Recently, however, I've developed a friendship with someone through work who has become an exciting flirty distraction to my situation with my daughter's "dad." I've never actually MET the man. He does some freelance work for my workplace and lives 14 hours southeast of me. I hear his voice on a consistent basis and I emailed him to tell him one day how much I love his voice. From there, we started emailing back and forth. It turns out we are both single, both have dirty minds and a sick sense of humor. One day I asked him about his age in a roundabout way and he seemed a little annoyed with me asking. He became rather cordial and professional after that, so I followed suit and became all business with him. A few days ago, he sent me an email in which he attached some work he had done for our business, which he would normally charge a lot of money for and a few very nice words to me. He is a mentor as well, having been in the business I am in for well over twenty years, so when he compliments me on my work, it's very flattering and exciting for me.
So...our tawdry, flirty conversation was back on. Then last night, he actually CALLED me. We ended up speaking for nearly two hours. We talked about everything from our love of water, to his brother passing away, to travel, to sunrises to the state of our industry...everything. And I found out his age. He's 53. Nearly twenty years my senior. At this point, the thought of an older man is appealing to me. I've been pissed on and pissed off, I've been annoyed with single men who don't understand how much work being a mother is, I've been wary of any relationships after the way I was treated by my daughter's father and I've felt extremely unlovable and unattractive since the day he dumped me shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I don't see myself has even having the ability to be in a relationship.
Older men have seen it all. Lies, deceptions, hurt, pain; they've been through things in life where their age has given them the wisdom to step back and see that some of those things meant nothing in the grand scheme. There is a certain comfort in talking to a man and getting close to a man who can offer that reassurance that life will get better. A man who has no insecurities, because he has passed the point in his life where he think flaws are flaws - and instead recognizes those flaws as the gems of originality that they really are.
Being several states apart, I know it will be difficult to get a bedroom session with him, but I think I need to make it happen! If I am ever to move on from my child's father in the physical sense, I need to be with someone else...and I would much prefer an older man for that endeavor! I've considered having a wild and crazy romp with a young 20-something, or a mature and somewhat respectful relationship with a man my own age. But somehow, those dull in comparison to an older man. A 20-something would want to go straight to the bedroom. A man around my own age would want to go out to dinner, movies, live music, then go home and go to bed. An older man...he would be content to sit on my couch sipping whiskey cokes or wine and having hours worth of conversation while the baby sleeps. Content to slowly start to sit closer and closer and then eventually snuggle, then content to kiss and touch for awhile on the couch. And when they finally hit the bedroom...then they are content to cuddle, kiss and slowly remove your clothing piece by piece. And the sex itself...it's not a hard, fast, passionate take-me-now fuck. A man twenty years older is so excited to have a woman twenty years younger that he's going to savor every second.
Ahhh...I my mind right now I'm laying right next to him in the after-bliss of our amazing love-making and feeling beautiful and young and vibrant and sexy. Older men know the secret - an emotional connection and a stimulated mind make for a much more stimulated body later on.
I've cut my daughter's dad out of my life again. I've tried many times in the past and it's always been difficult. I've spent the time knowing he won't be calling (because I've changed my number or blocked his, etc) crying and sad and wondering what he's doing with whatever woman he's with. Eventually, I've always caved and let him back, only to be disappointed a short time later. Now I have this...an exciting flirtation with my at-the-moment ideal man. Just talking to him already has me feeling happier then I have been in a long time. And it's the first real excitement I've had with a man since I got pregnant. I don't even know that I'll have the opportunity to turn it into a short-term thing; the chances of it ever materializing into something serious is highly unlikely.
No matter what the outcome, this happiness took a long time to find...my flirty phone affair with my older man has distracted me from my sadness over "that last guy." And to be extremely optimistic (so unlike me these days!), perhaps the word I should be using is not "distraction," but "cured."
How bright is the light of joy when you've been sitting in darkness for days!
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