Tale of Tears

I kept busy today from early on, so the morning has flown by. Usually, a busy day makes for a good one.

In the last couple of years, the measure of a good day is how much or little I cry. My pregnancy was not a happy one. The father of my child decided early on that he didn't want a family. Then he decided he did. The first time I let him back was the hardest decision to make. I was in single mother mode, just 13 weeks into my pregnancy. I was really getting my life together and preparing myself mentally for doing it on my own. By the time I decided to let him in...he decided he wanted out again. Then he was in and then he was out. Then in. Then out. The cat and mouse game has continued since. He has been "out" way more then "in," and when he's "in," I can count on being for miserable for the next two weeks.

I'm exhausted by the cycle. I want so much more for myself and for my little girl. I love her dearly and she is not getting the best of me. But now I don't seem to be able to find a way out of this. I am so tired, ashamed, heartsick, worried, humiliated and overwhelmed. When I met him, I was in a career that was fun; sort of a dream job. I was getting ready to go back to school, I was independent. I didn't have a lot...but I was slowly saving money and had no debt. I had passed the stage of asking my parents to loan me money for rent or car repairs. I was somewhat secure in that sense. I was living halfway across the country in my favorite state. Life was good.

Now he has dangled family in front of me and taken it away countless number of times. He has harassed me, insulted me, ridiculed me...and still he can pull me in with his promise of family. I have gone through so much with being dumped and moved around the country and working and working while my daughter sits in daycare. I keep feeling as if all this heartache and pain has to have it's reward eventually. That he sooner or later will follow through and really want his family. And at the same time, I know it is an impossible dream; something unattainable...and until I let it go, this misery and pain will go on.

I am so tired of feeling this way and I don't know how to pull myself up anymore. I am disorganized, unattached and drowning in my every day responsibilities. I see no "light." I see only an endless struggle on my own, loneliness and an 18-year connection to someone who has nothing in him to give to me (while he has it for other women and their children), but is unwilling to let us go. The problem is that I've accepted that this will be my life. I don't know how live anymore.

Yes, my life has become a measure of tears. Sometimes they start the second I wake up. Often they start in the car, when some random thing he did to me suddenly occurs to me. Sometimes, during the lonely evenings home alone with a baby, the tears are unavoidable. Yet there are days I have very few and on occasion, there are none. It used to be that any day I cried was a bad day. But when you've cried an ocean, a couple inches of rain doesn't much affect you. I'd rather be measuring my days by my accomplishments and happiness...but herein lies the question: how the hell do I get there?