I have not written on this blog much lately, namely because I have reached a new echelon of acceptance and have even STARTED to forgive my daughter's asshat "dad."
I say, "started," because just a few weeks ago, I pretty much considered myself cured of all his bullshit. He got a hold of me on yet another new number and tried to shake me up. I didn't work very well. I'm not very "shakeable" anymore when it comes to him. I figured if I wasn't getting mad while I was talking to him, that must mean I was no longer angry with him and had, in fact, forgiven him.
It took a couple more weeks to prove that it wasn't the case. As in the past, when I have a really stressful day where I would really love a break and some time on my own, I found myself getting raging angry with him. All the old questions start to come back: "who the hell does he think he is, leaving me with all the responsibility, both financial and emotional while he goes and does whatever the fuck he wants; lives the same life he always has while mine has changed so dramatically?"
I was pissed off today! And I don't mind saying it anymore! I'm pissed off at him and what he put me through and what I still go through to this very day! Never a break! Never an extra dollar to put in savings; never enough time; never enough money! All while he runs around the country on his expensive motorcycles, wearing $200 shirts and dating bimbos with fake boobs, fake tans and fake nails, eating out every night, going to casinos, bars and traveling.
It isn't FAIR...and please spare me "life isn't fair." I know it's not and I've learned that lesson; I just prefer to wallow in misery tonight as I yearn for the time when I could take off in my car and blow my popstand any time I wanted, without a care in the world except myself.
But now that I have my initial anger vented, let me explain why it was such a rough day. It's really all on me. Last weekend, I was incredibly ambitious. Cleaned my house to a better state then it's been in MONTHS, mowed my yard, got a few work things accomplished...it was great. I sailed into this last week feeling good about myself, feeling strong, feeling accomplished. This weekend was a little different. My daughter wouldn't nap. I have no extra money to take her shopping; our to the bounce house...we just do the same things over and over and over...and I was CRABBY with her. More crabby then I've ever been with her for an entire weekend. I had a few things to take care of at work, so we went there. She drew all over the countertops in my "office" with dry erase markers, she spilled the entire container of watermelon I'd just cut up all over my (mostly) clean kitchen floors. I yelled at her, I yelled at myself and it might as well have been her when we drove over 10 minutes to get gas and I forgot my debit card.
I think my anger has a lot to do with being bored. I get bored at home. We either sit here or we go out in the yard or for a little stroll around the neighborhood. Or we go to my work. I somehow need to get in some breaks or some fun time...at least once a month. But that involves getting a babysitter, which involves money and even more time away from my daughter...as if I don't feel guilty enough for working 12-16 hours a day and not seeing her. I could go on and on and on and on...but I won't. Enough misery for tonight. Time to eat ice cream. It's the closest thing I have to beer.
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